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Dear Yogiji: Questions on Emotions and Relationships


Q. My spouse and I are always arguing. What can we do?

A. How can you love somebody so much and then three or four years later start hating each other? A relationship is where your highest spirituality is tested by tolerance. Most fighting comes as a result of basic insecurity. We all want our security to be guaranteed. The other person cannot give you that guarantee. It has nothing to do with right and wrong. It is a matter of understanding. Understanding means stand under. In relationships you have to stand under each other. Do not try to be macho, or very wise, or to have the last word. Little in a relationship can go wrong if you inject humor and endure.

Q. What can I do when I feel angry?

A. When we are angry our body temperature rises. Body temperature is maintained by the breath. Breathing through the left nostril is cooling and breathing through the right nostril is warming. When you are angry and feel you want to do something terrible, start breathing through your left nostril. You will calm down in exactly one minute.

If you do not get rid of anger you are a candidate for cancer. Another way to get rid of anger: Sitali Pranayam. Breathe through an extended, curled tongue for exactly three minutes, then drink a glass of cold water. You will be surprised how you feel!

Q. How can I forgive?

A. The one power which is the greatest power in you, is to forgive. Minus forgiveness, you are a two-legged mammal with absolutely nothing to lean on. If you give, give forgiveness. Give with an open heart. Say, “Bless you! May God make you very strong and give you the courage to face yourself.” What can anybody do after that?

Q. How do yogis view grief?

A. As humans we feel the loss of loved ones and grieve. As yogis we know everybody as a loved one and part of the Creator. How can we grieve when a loved one goes home?

Q.What is the role of emotions?

A. Emotions are very important, but any mistake you ever make will occur when you become attached to your emotions as reality.

Q. I want to learn to use my intuition.

A. You should never act out of fear or blind faith. You need to go within yourself. Fear is based on what you tell yourself. Blind faith is based on what others tell you. You have to depend on your own intuition, which God has given you, which always guides you truthfully. Your intuition is your best friend. Intuition takes one second. When you are in any trouble, simply think what you feel and know. Just close your eyes and think what you think. That will be best. Do not lean on others. Be strong in yourself so that you can help others.

Q. Why do I have so many problems in my relationships?

A. Insecurity is the main problem in any relationship. When you become insecure, you goof. The moment you are insecure, the other person knows you are not trusting, and fears that you are going to hurt him. One thing leads to another. Why be insecure? Breath is free! It is automatic! The Earth is rotating. You are living. If you are kind, compassionate, and caring, nothing can go wrong.

From Aquarian Times, Spring 2004

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Q: What are the ways to drop fear?

A: Take that pen. Raise it. Drop it. That’s how. When you drop something, just drop it. There is no other way. Don’t listen to the lies of people. No kriya can help you drop it. Only you can. Just drop it. (9/22/02)

Q. I have been celibate for several years but am now in a very intimate relationship.  Is it possible that being in a sexual relationship will help raise the kundalini and I will become a sensory human?

A. Kundalini Yoga is one yoga that is for householders, so it does not require celibacy.  But you have to have a legitimate, productive relationship free of guilt, and with sincerity. (Aquarian Times, Spring 2003)

©The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan